Today is July 10th 2021.
Writing this, I am 25…26 in 2 days. And this is my manifesto. My whole life I never amounted to any success. I lived under the safety net of my helicopter parents, with no autonomy of my own choices. My brother always bullied me. I was an overweight kid made fun of at school. People thought I was a nerd for spending so much time on outside school classes. I was never anyone’s first choice. I always asked why? Why did I have to be brought into this world? Why was I never good enough? In 2013, I went to high school. I never had any best friends growing up because I moved schools a lot in which everyone’s friend groups were already made or was too busy with extra classes or extracurriculars. I rarely ever got to go to any social events. I never had a girlfriend. I was never was an attractive person, and it exemplified my negative mindset. Thankfully, my growth spurt evened out my body at least and I thought maybe I was a guy even worth considering. The girls I did talk to would string me along or end up using me or ghosting me. The ones that reciprocated feelings I shut out because of how scared I was my parents would judge them or me from experience. I never wanted to open myself up to others no matter how much I fantasized it. College application season came and went. I was rejected by every school I wanted to go to, so much for spending so much time trying to make a better future. I ended up getting into a small school in the Midwest. I felt like it was a fresh start. I could make the best of it with no judgment though inside I hated myself for not getting into any schools I worked so hard for. The first two years were amazing. I made some lifelong friendships, and felt like I really had a home. Though I was still the introverted, antisocial kid who just was just awkward trying to make new friends or talk to girls I found attractive. Time flew by and a lot of the older students I looked up to came and went. People would go out and hook up but that wasn’t my personality. I wanted to feel something with people to share those close moments with. Classes got hard and I struggled. I was stuck. I shut myself out. I shut myself in my room. Before I knew it, I was graduating. I didn’t amount to anything in college. I didn’t know what to do with a degree in something I didn’t even enjoy. The close friends I had were separating across the country. I was accepted into a good amount of graduate schools though I didn’t even want to apply. Sure, people may see that as a success, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I lived in the shadow of my parents and what they wanted. And when the time came to make a choice, I ended up choosing one that my parents wanted rather than one for a degree I had more of an interest in because I wasn’t sure what my passion actually was. Whatever, it was another fresh start. I had a plan of action of what I wanted to do. I went to school before classes to get my schedule in check and started focusing on myself. I worked out almost everyday. I learned to surf on my own. I got a pet. I picked up photography. I went out to adventure to see new places on my own. I was in the best shape of my life. I was sure I was going to find a job quick after graduation and start my adult life independently with no help from my parents. When school began, I never thought I would make friends that had similar interests as me. And when I didn’t think life could get any better, I even met someone who loved me for me. I was so scared of rejection, that she was the one that asked what we were. She never really dated anyone either, and in an intimate moment some time in that I will always remember was when I asked her why me? She told me that this was the first time she could trust somebody. Me of all people? Me really? My heart never felt that warm in my life. My shell surfaced a crack, a sliver of my true self came out, and I loved it. She was my everything. It was amazing, I was confident, and maybe this was how my life would turn around and I would open up. I remember thinking to myself when I got up early to surf and see her so at peace sleeping; how did I get so lucky? To the random trips we had; to the playful arguments about who gets a massage; to the fancy dinner dates; to the cuddles; to the nights we ordered pizza and ate ice cream watching our favorite shows; to the moments at socials where I was so proud to hold her in public; showing off to the world she was mine and I was hers. I enjoyed those simpler times. The 2nd half of my last year in grad school things took a turn for the worse. I don’t know why, I stopped wanting to do things. Maybe it was because I had no direction anymore. Right before grad school I had a plan; now I didn’t. My lab thesis work was so trivial, I hated myself and didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Nightly trips to my ex’s house made me not want to go to the gym early in the morning anymore. I knew my impending doom when school ended. Our passion slowly started slipping. My switch turned off and I was reverting back to my old self. I started being my old reclusive self in my relationship. I was always scared of meeting other people’s families. What would I talk about? I was always a loser. I had no passions to talk about. I never knew what to say. I never open up in that intimate way with my own family; how would I with someone else’s. She was a family person, and I tried my best to acclimate albeit not enough. I just couldn’t break that barrier on my own. My self-hate festered once more, and I questioned everything and my confidence dwindled. Stupid questions filled my head. How do I open up? Does she love me for me? What am I going to do with my life after graduation? Where will I end up? When will I accept myself? What’s the point of anything? They were all stupid questions but my mind wouldn’t listen to reason. Eventually, I closed myself off. I was never good at showing emotions or feelings and that was my fault. I did put in the effort to make her feel loved, but I felt, no I knew, I never affirmed my love for her enough even though I felt it. I was a coward. Graduation came and went, and I didn’t even attend my own; I didn’t think I deserved it. Time was up and I had to go back home. Of course, at that point I thought will my relationship even last? Probably not, but somehow, somewhere inside me thought maybe there was a chance. I didn’t even talk about what we were going to do when I left because I was so scared. I slowly realized what I took for granted. Day by day, I could feel her drifting away from me. By the end of the year, I hopped on a call with her when she was so far drifted that I suggested a breakup after all I was used to rejection. Deep down, I knew I didn’t want that to be the case but so it was, there was no fight. I went through my first breakup due to long distance after I graduated and was unable to find a job. And yeah I cried. I was never confident in myself and carried the baggage of self-hate every day, and never thought anyone would love me in the first place. My mind took control. Toxic thoughts filled my head. Maybe she just wanted to date just to date. Maybe she met someone new that wasn’t as broken as me. Maybe she would fight for us even if I couldn’t; it never came. I stopped talking to her to prevent my feelings from melting. I thought did I have a chance at redemption and salvaging my relationship? Maybe, just maybe. Maybe if I could find a job and move out to make long distance easier and talk again at least. I had a couple of final stage interviews that I thought maybe would save me. It was my last chance to redeem myself. With the final interview stage at a company I loved and with it going great, it ended up the same way every part of my life went; with rejection. I was never good enough for anyone or anything. Things spiraled down. Some of those I thought of as friends turned their back on me in my time of need or just didn’t understand me. Among other negative occurrences. My dog had a medical scare. I found my mom fainted in the middle of the night in the hallway for me to find. I was 24, jobless, single, and lived at home. My friends had all started their adult life. I was on a path of the cliche loser nerd you see in movies who lived in their parent’s basement. Covid made everything worse being trapped and claustrophobic in my own home. I never had the courage to reach out to my ex again. I stopped working out completely. I lounged at home wondering what I was going to do. I was a failure. I beat myself up everyday for even things out of my control. Because of the pandemic, I couldn’t go out so every week I would tell my parents I’m just going on a drive. I didn’t really. I drove one block to the nearby park, sat in my car, and cried. I knew that everything that happened was my fault. I didn’t try hard enough in the relationship; I didn’t plan my future after grad school, but that was something I could never admit to myself at the time; I didn’t know what to do anymore. One day, I finally accepted that maybe my life just wasn’t meant to be and I was okay with it. I never found a purpose in life and always thought what was the point? And those dark thoughts would creep up. But, I couldn’t, will not, can’t do that to those who I hold dear. My fire kindled, and I made myself a promise. I told myself once I have figured at least a part of me out, I would apologize for how I left things even though the relationship was long gone and we could both move on finally or at least I could. Because I thought I owed her at least that after the time and moments we shared together and the way things ended. Because despite my negative thoughts on whether or not she loved me, deep down I knew she deserved for me to do this one last thing. I made my own path in a different career than what my parents expected of me. I spent 6 months learning how to program. I built my own sites. I built my own game. I made new friends. I was on a uptrend. When I started applying again for my new career, I felt good and I messaged my ex happy birthday. With her response, I already knew she had moved on probably with someone new and that was okay. I continued forward and ended up spending another 5 months dealing with constant rejection from companies. Those I never passed the coding challenge. Those I failed the final round. Even a shitty company I received an offer from rescinded. I wasn’t mad; I knew I was worth more. I would complain and beat myself up but I never lost hope. And for a moment in time, I took control of my own life. I knew with one rejection there was going to be a better opportunity coming and one will; with more than I could ever ask for. There was no way all my effort was for nothing. I drilled that into my mind and kept moving. I had a promise to keep and I thought about it everyday to keep myself grounded. Things looked up. 1500 applications later, I started work this year at a company I love and that blessed me with more than I could ever ask for; more than twice the offer of the company that rescinded me. But finding a job never ended my anxiety. I was stressed I didn’t know enough for how much they offered me. Would I even make it a year, hell even a couple of months? The pandemic lockdown also held me back with my overprotective parents. I didn’t see sunlight for most of the year. How am I going to become an adult like this? But, I slowly accepted I could do it. There was no way I would let myself fall this time. I’ve failed too many times before I’ve stood up. Over and over again. I accepted that living at home wasn’t a curse but a blessing. Even though I’ve dealt with the constant nagging of asian parents my whole life, I know for a fact that I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I’ve opened my eyes to how much they’ve sacrificed as immigrants. Providing for me so I could come out of school without any debt. Not letting me know about their financial situation my whole life even during the crisis to not add stress to me. Not telling me my dad had to get surgery until right before to prevent my anxiety as long as they could. Supporting me after graduating and not finding a job and my new career change as well. Too many things to count. I even started talking to my brother again. Perhaps, he had an eye opening moment too. It felt like he wanted to make up for lost time and the misery he put me through when we were younger, and I would never admit it to him but I enjoy talking to him. I really do. I still have a lot to work on opening up to them on a personal level but I will get there. I was on the right path finally and I progressed. Five days ago, I reached a point where I felt I was ready to keep a promise to my past self. I messaged her. No response. A week passed. I messaged her again. No response. Maybe she hated me? Maybe she started seeing someone new? I didn’t really care. If she found happiness, I would be happy. I messaged a friend I thought was at least close to me before I started dating to ask about it. I got a response. Cold, stoic, professional. She was seeing someone new. I knew in my mind I was okay with it for the past year and I hadn’t cared, and I already readied myself for the news and said my peace. I put down my phone and to my surprise my heart suddenly dropped and stung. I realized I bottled the breakup where I didn’t let my emotions out after it initially happened, and I shut it out. I guess you can never be ready for these sorts of things. I guess when you love for the first time they will always be a part of your heart. A feeling you never think you would feel. A feeling you never want to feel again. All this progress I had, I was regressing. My mind started to be flooded with toxicity; a glass half empty perspective. After all we had been through and the way it ended, it didn’t even warrant a reply back to even just explain the situation? Maybe it was all fake love. She was seeing a new grad student? Dang. Maybe she was already talking to him. Maybe not. How long before she moved on? All these days I wanted to keep my promise to myself and would just think about it on empty nights, she was sharing a bed with someone new. I should have been a coward like I usually am and just moved on and not made a promise. Everything just shattered. One moment I’d remember happy thoughts only to have five different negative scenarios from each. That moment she told me I was the first she could trust? You journeyed to find someone to say that to, and you moved on to someone new right after. I tainted my one memory I cherished and held on to for so long. I don’t know. I was assuming things maybe because she never mentioned our relationship issues but only to a therapist or because I didn’t even warrant a simple explanation as to why she wouldn’t talk to me, but I still ruined it all. I needed someone to talk to. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t alone but also shined a light on those that never cared about me. I don’t have many friends but I know a couple I will always be able to count on no matter how far apart we are. We may argue sometimes. We may not agree on everything. But we always have each other’s backs. That’s the moment you know which friends are real. If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably wondering why I’m writing this. I’ve been in an endless loop trying to climb out to see the light just to lose my grasp and fall again and again. I may be hurt. But while my heart dropped, a fire emerged. My heart was tired of my mind taking control and roared. I stopped thinking of the worst; it wasn’t her fault she was an amazing person and that word doesn’t even do her justice; it was my own thoughts that contaminated me and controlled my lackluster actions to make it work. She will always be the first person to change my life, and made me feel like life was worth living. And for that, I am forever grateful. She may have moved on but if he makes her happy I couldn’t ask for anything less. I finally accepted my own decisions and actions. I know I’m late to the game, and experiencing what others have years ago but we all live life at our own pace. I learned my first breakup is the path to learning what life is about and growing from it to not make the same mistakes in the future. To be a better person. To be someone that can truly love and be loved. I accepted the fact that my previous self could never be erased, but I could still change. I could still move on. I am moving on. Suddenly, I had goals. I had motivation. I had passion. I had a path. I knew what I wanted to accomplish. Within a year from now, I will be happy. I will be more open and cherish my family and the friends I hold close. I will be in the best shape of my life. I will save. I will learn how to trade. I won’t rely on but support my family. I will be on track to purchase my own home. I will learn how to edit videos. I will learn everything I can at work. I will pick up the camera once more and get back to who I was when I was eager to change myself in grad school. I will set my life for success where I don’t need to count on anyone and retire early when I know I have made it. I will love myself. I have fell down too many times to let it happen again. Not this time. I feel different. I know there will be bumps along the way. But, I feel ready. I realize that the time when I was happy when I first came to San Diego when I felt like I had a purpose, everything else fell into place. In hopefully less than a year, I hope to picture myself visiting the sandy beaches of San Diego happy like I once was when I first got there back to where it all began. When I have succeeded, I will post this to friends when I know I have achieved my goals to take the last step to achieve peace. Writing this to splurge all my feelings, I know future me will hate myself for making these promises and shouting out to the world but it makes me feel better now. I am writing this to hold myself accountable. When you read this in the future, know you made it and I am proud of you. This was just the first step, and where we start living life to begin a new chapter. Some may laugh; some may say I’m down bad. Why are you hung up about a relationship from almost 2 years ago? Why are you so depressed when so many would give up everything to be in your shoes? But I’m done thinking about what others think of me. I’m done letting people determine my worth. Sure, I exposed myself but my struggle is not alone. While my struggle may not be as bad compared to others but at the end of the day, everybody is still human. We all have feelings. We all have emotion. Some may have a higher tolerance, some may not. We are all dealt different cards that we have to play with. We all deal with these innate demons that we hide from others because it shows vulnerability. We all struggle; no one is immune to it. It is during your worst moments of your life that you will get to see the true colors of yourself and the people who say they care about you. Your failures are what will define your path to success. It hurts sometimes when you feel alone. It hurts sometimes when you’re in that dark place and you feel no one cares about you. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and we keep moving forward in the game that is life. Always forward, never back. Everyone has their own story. This is my story. And it’s just getting started.
